10 Life Lessons About Iraq

I've been in Iraq for the last four months. I wanted to make sure that I got a full appreciation of the in's and out's of this place before I properly reported my results to you. In no particular order I present to you the 10 top things I've learned since I've been here in Iraq:

1. Global Warming Is Not A Threat In Iraq - Either that or this country has already suffered irreversible damage and everyone has simply given up. The latter may be the case, especially since Saddam likes to receive American forces with a friendly display of lighting up the oil fields to celebrate our arrivals to his country. While this is always impressive and generous (much like a man that uses a $100 bill to light his and your cigar) he sets a precedent for the general disregard everyone shows for the ozone layer above our heads. In short, everyone burns trash. Your neighbors, your spouse, your children, doctors, teachers, philanthropists, even the US military burns trash without a second thought. We've got a HUGE burn pit about 400 yards away from where we live and work and it is THE WORST, especially when most days the winds carry it right into our breathing space. Also, unexploded munitions cook off in it all the time, because when you got an extra 50-caliber round cluttering up your workspace, everyone finds it convenient to toss it in the nearest trash bin.


2. Tank Graveyards Are Bad Ass - It looks very much like a junkyard, except instead of cars its filled with multi-million dollar weapons of vehicular devastation. Most of these tanks look like they were leftover from the Gulf War, and every one of them has been littered with graffiti from other units that seek to immortalize their deep thoughts and philosophic inquiries by spraying 'PFC Bankson is gay' like it's nothing more than a bathroom wall. I'll get pictures of them before I leave, riding them like a cowboy.


3. Sleep Is For The Weak - Mortar rounds and artillery fire, incoming and outgoing, sounds as if they're going off right next to you...all night long. They shake your living quarters and generally give you doubts about the relative safety of aluminum walls. No one knows why everyone waits until the dead of night to start shooting each other. But it's frightening...at least for the first week. I remember waking up after each round was fired, or refusing to leave my aluminum pod to use the latrine, opting instead to hold it until morning. But soon, I got over it. You can only quiver in fear under your bed sucking your thumb for so many nights before you eventually have to learn that bed or no bed, aluminum wall or no aluminum wall, if that round comes crashing down on you in the middle of the night, you can kiss your ass goodbye.


4. Helicopters Are The Only Way To Fly - It is said that 80% of military causalities occur in military convoys by IEDs. F**K THAT U.S. Army, if I need to get anywhere in Iraq I'm putting in an air request. Helicopters are like the public transportation system of most military personnel: they fly round and round from base to base picking people up and dropping them off. You get to see the surrounding area and come to the general understanding that Iraq looks like any normal country from the air. Traffic is always congested, cows roam fields for grass, factories vomit black smoke into the air, and you can easily discern which parts of town that are suburban neighborhoods and which are the ghettos that will ransack suburban lifestyle the moment a shred of instability rears its ugly head.


5. Milk Is Overrated - It may be just me...but the milk here taste like it's manufactured from a camel's ass. Now I drink plenty of milk in the states, but here in Iraq I flat out refuse to drink the milk that's provided to us. The taste is so distinguishable that even when I drown it in Cocoa Puffs and drink the (usually) delicious brown milk after all the cereal is gone, it still makes me want to puke. I know that after year in Iraq without milk, I will inevitably return with bones that have become the ideal breeding ground for osteoporosis and other bone related diseases.


6. Burger Night Brings All The Boys To The Yard - Because it's like...the only good thing to eat here. There are three dining facilities in this camp, and only our DFAC bothers to freshly prepare and cook burgers for us on Tuesday night. It is simply...delectable. Others may argue otherwise: one particular girl complains about smelling like burgers after leaving, (the air is so potent with grilled meat you can literally cut a slice of it and serve it on your plate) to which I reply, "And that's a bad thing?" The burgers are also GIA-NORMOUS. That's right, I just created a word. Like a fly to the carcass of roadkill, so do we congregate at DFAC3 every Tuesday.


7. 7-3 I\73r\37? L01. WTF!? (Translation: The Internet? There IS NO Internet) - This title might seem misrepresenting, because one may ask, 'But Lemuel., if there's no Internet how are you typing now?' Dear Reader, please don't take me too literally. There is in fact Internet, as sluggish and unresponsive as it may be most of the time. However, the government computers block 90% of the Internet, and the personal Internet in your rooms (for a low, low price of $60/month) advertise intermittent and unreliable service like it's a GOOD THING. I do not exaggerate these claims, and it's been ABSOLUTE TORTURE to have to exist without the luxuries of BitTorrent. Sometimes I cry at night; before this combat tour is over I'm certain I will write a sonnet about it.


8. 'Near Beer' Is Not Nearly As Cool As ACTUAL Beer - Sure, it was cool the first day I saw it here. "Free non-alcoholic beverages!? LOL. No way!", and I totally hit it up for breakfast in Baghdad the first day we got here. But after awhile, it just taunts you as to what you can't have no matter how hard you try. And trust me, I've tried. Twenty-four cans later, the only 'buzz' I felt was the buzz of fatigue from having to get up and urinate every two minutes.


9. Free Swag. All Year Long. - It's nearly impossible to spend the generous amount of combat pay we receive while we're here. Uniforms, boots, sunglasses, suntan lotion, bug spray, flashlights, candy, sodas, chips, office chairs, coffee, energy drinks, food, water, laundry services, bedsheets, pillows, blankets, lattes, near beer, living quarters, vehicle transport, electricity, gyms, movie theatres and pools are all comped, year round, at the beautiful desert resort of Camp Taji, Iraq. You needn't have a worry or a care at this beautiful vista! Just sit back, relax, and enjoy the incoming rounds and blistering 112 degree heat for the next 365 days! (Military is not responsible for physical dismemberment or death, mental combat stress or lifelong traumas. Void where prohibited.)


10. Closet Living 101 - Not only do you have to get used to a roommate once again (Not really a problem since I've been living with roommates since 2002 when I left for college) but you must learn to live and thrive in a space roughly the size of a walk-in closet. If you can't manage to thrive, the Army will make do with you merely living in that space. You will get to know your roommate intimately, for better or worse. The movies, music, games and television he watches shall infringe upon your own personal tastes and desires, as well as his hygiene (or lack thereof), cleanliness, and eating habits. If your roommate smells like ass, YOU will smell like ass and will be blamed for his shortcomings by your superiors. You will regret the days that man created four walls and a ceiling and come to fantasize about sleeping out in the sand looking at the stars.